Mind Boggling
By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta
Chapter 54
Had I accepted the death of my dad? Well, that was a complicated question for me. It required me to examine my relationship with my dad. The thought of performing such an examination was daunting. I decided that I needed some counseling if I was to deal with this issue.
Dealing with my relationship with my mum and my mother was nowhere close to dealing with my relationship with my dad because it seemed to me that my dad was the centre of everything in my life. My awareness of his faults made me fear that I may have replicated his mistakes in my own life in my effort to please him. The fact that I was an unforgiving person probably came from the fact that I thought that he never forgave my mother for whatever terrible thing it was that she had done to deserve the treatment he gave her. I probably justified my hardheartedness by comparing myself with him.
I had never needed counseling before. At least I did not think that I needed it. But now, I considered consulting an expert to help me address my relationship with my dad, how it has affected me in the decisions I have been making in my life and why I have not accepted his death. I could not wait to arrange an appointment with a counselor to address these issues because as each day passes by, I may be making mistakes that I am not aware of because of my faulty thinking. I decided to carry out a mock counseling session with myself and see how far I could get. After all, no-one knows my problems better than me. The session went something like this:-
Counsellor: The best way to deal with your problem Njeri is to set out the facts about your relationship with your dad that you feel concerned about. Can you do that?
Njeri: Aaah, what does that mean?
Counsellor: Well can you put your feelings about your problem into a series of simple questions?
Njeri: Ok, first question: what do I think happened between my mother and my dad that caused their separation?
Counsellor: That’s a good one. But, are you able to answer it factually? You must be careful not to imagine things because your imaginations are what could have brought you here in the first place.
Njeri: Well, I was only 2 or 3 years old when they separated so I do not know for a fact what happened.
Counsellor: Do you want to know? And why?
Njeri: Well, considering where we are today, what happened between them is irrelevant because it cannot be resolved. My dad is already dead. Its probably not even my concern what happened between them.
Counsellor: Good, so what happened between them is not an issue for you. But I think that the fact that they separated, for whatever reason, must have affected your thinking in some way. Would you agree?
Njeri: Oh yes, definitely.
Counsellor: Do you know how?
Njeri: Yes I do. In many ways some of which are good and some of which are bad. I am concerned about the bad ones.
Counsellor: And what are the bad ones?
Njeri: Why did my dad not talk to me about her, my mother that is, and tell me what happened? He made a feeble attempt once by telling me that staying with her would have meant hardship for us all. I did not understand what that meant. If he felt that he was justified in what he did, why could he not tell it to me (and my brothers) in clear terms? Perhaps he was afraid of us asking him to help her, something he could not bring himself to do. Or perhaps he could not do it because he feared my mum? I think that my dad’s refusal to address the issue with me was wrong in that it made me think that what he did was right since she must have wronged him. In the same way, I refused to forgive those who wronged me.
Counsellor: Now that you realize that, what will you do?
Njeri: Well fortunately, I have already dealt with my unforgiving heart. But now, I am glad that I have also addressed its source and let go of it.
Counsellor: Anything else?
Njeri: Yes. I have realized that I need to address my own issues with myself first and come to terms with the choices I make in life because my inability to face my demons will no doubt affect my children. I need to be open with my children and address any issues I think may be affecting them without fearing my own unresolved issues.
Counsellor: Why is it so important to you to please your dad?
Njeri: I really do not know. I think that children need someone to look up to. Children need guidance. How does a child find a purpose in his/her life? It can only be by attaching himself or herself to someone s/he thinks s/he would want to be like when s/he grows up. The first choice is obviously our parents or guardians. For me, it was my dad. I thought that my dad was superman. He could never fail. So if I made choices which pleased him, I could be like him.
Counsellor: But what about his faults. How did you address those?
Njeri: I was blind to them. I accepted them as part of who he was. That way, I could accept my own faults too. This was wrong of me because it blinded me to my own faults and prevented me from addressing them thinking that I was allowed to be faulty. Now I have to teach my children that it is not acceptable to be faulty. Only mistakes are acceptable but they must be corrected.
Counsellor: So what about his death? You know that he died a long time ago. Did you accept his death?
Njeri: Let me explain.
By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta
Chapter 54
Had I accepted the death of my dad? Well, that was a complicated question for me. It required me to examine my relationship with my dad. The thought of performing such an examination was daunting. I decided that I needed some counseling if I was to deal with this issue.
Dealing with my relationship with my mum and my mother was nowhere close to dealing with my relationship with my dad because it seemed to me that my dad was the centre of everything in my life. My awareness of his faults made me fear that I may have replicated his mistakes in my own life in my effort to please him. The fact that I was an unforgiving person probably came from the fact that I thought that he never forgave my mother for whatever terrible thing it was that she had done to deserve the treatment he gave her. I probably justified my hardheartedness by comparing myself with him.
I had never needed counseling before. At least I did not think that I needed it. But now, I considered consulting an expert to help me address my relationship with my dad, how it has affected me in the decisions I have been making in my life and why I have not accepted his death. I could not wait to arrange an appointment with a counselor to address these issues because as each day passes by, I may be making mistakes that I am not aware of because of my faulty thinking. I decided to carry out a mock counseling session with myself and see how far I could get. After all, no-one knows my problems better than me. The session went something like this:-
Counsellor: The best way to deal with your problem Njeri is to set out the facts about your relationship with your dad that you feel concerned about. Can you do that?
Njeri: Aaah, what does that mean?
Counsellor: Well can you put your feelings about your problem into a series of simple questions?
Njeri: Ok, first question: what do I think happened between my mother and my dad that caused their separation?
Counsellor: That’s a good one. But, are you able to answer it factually? You must be careful not to imagine things because your imaginations are what could have brought you here in the first place.
Njeri: Well, I was only 2 or 3 years old when they separated so I do not know for a fact what happened.
Counsellor: Do you want to know? And why?
Njeri: Well, considering where we are today, what happened between them is irrelevant because it cannot be resolved. My dad is already dead. Its probably not even my concern what happened between them.
Counsellor: Good, so what happened between them is not an issue for you. But I think that the fact that they separated, for whatever reason, must have affected your thinking in some way. Would you agree?
Njeri: Oh yes, definitely.
Counsellor: Do you know how?
Njeri: Yes I do. In many ways some of which are good and some of which are bad. I am concerned about the bad ones.
Counsellor: And what are the bad ones?
Njeri: Why did my dad not talk to me about her, my mother that is, and tell me what happened? He made a feeble attempt once by telling me that staying with her would have meant hardship for us all. I did not understand what that meant. If he felt that he was justified in what he did, why could he not tell it to me (and my brothers) in clear terms? Perhaps he was afraid of us asking him to help her, something he could not bring himself to do. Or perhaps he could not do it because he feared my mum? I think that my dad’s refusal to address the issue with me was wrong in that it made me think that what he did was right since she must have wronged him. In the same way, I refused to forgive those who wronged me.
Counsellor: Now that you realize that, what will you do?
Njeri: Well fortunately, I have already dealt with my unforgiving heart. But now, I am glad that I have also addressed its source and let go of it.
Counsellor: Anything else?
Njeri: Yes. I have realized that I need to address my own issues with myself first and come to terms with the choices I make in life because my inability to face my demons will no doubt affect my children. I need to be open with my children and address any issues I think may be affecting them without fearing my own unresolved issues.
Counsellor: Why is it so important to you to please your dad?
Njeri: I really do not know. I think that children need someone to look up to. Children need guidance. How does a child find a purpose in his/her life? It can only be by attaching himself or herself to someone s/he thinks s/he would want to be like when s/he grows up. The first choice is obviously our parents or guardians. For me, it was my dad. I thought that my dad was superman. He could never fail. So if I made choices which pleased him, I could be like him.
Counsellor: But what about his faults. How did you address those?
Njeri: I was blind to them. I accepted them as part of who he was. That way, I could accept my own faults too. This was wrong of me because it blinded me to my own faults and prevented me from addressing them thinking that I was allowed to be faulty. Now I have to teach my children that it is not acceptable to be faulty. Only mistakes are acceptable but they must be corrected.
Counsellor: So what about his death? You know that he died a long time ago. Did you accept his death?
Njeri: Let me explain.
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