Mind Boggling
By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta
Chapter 52
When is the right time to find your passion, discover your spiritual identity and purpose in life and start living the life you were born to live?
I wish I had known and discovered all these things when I was much younger. I might have achieved a lot more than I have now, but who knows? Well, coulda, woulda, shoulda are completely out of my life. Which brings me to considering how to ensure that my children start living the lives they were born to live at the earliest possible time. I am writing this book in the hope that I will see quite a few familiar faces when I get to the Land of Knowledge and Understanding. As far as my children are concerned, I am not taking any chance of them not getting there!
What kind of upbringing does a child need in order to excel in life? If my niece was in day school and her first priority when she gets home from school is to ensure that the lipstick she is wearing matches her outfit as she skips daintly out to the car where the driver is waiting to take her to village market to hang out with her friends, could she ever possibly learn how to spell the word ‘RESPONSIBILITY’? I highly doubt it and am not willing to experiment on that.
For me, the one thing that will ensure that my children excel in life, that is, make the best of themselves, is learning how to spell the word RESPONSIBILITY and engrave it into their characters. That’s all. But let me tell you this, from my experience, teaching a child to be responsible is one of the world’s most difficult tasks ever and mind you, it starts from babyhood.
My daughter is about to turn a year old and I can already see the bratishness beginning to manifest itself when she moans about nothing and refuses to listen when asked to stop doing something. I am already teaching her to take responsibility for her actions by keeping my distance from her and letting her hit her head on the floor as she tries to stand, watching carefully as she presses her fingers on a drawer which I have told her not to open and then letting her know that its all her fault when she starts moaning, giving her a slap on her back if she tries to drink the bath water or reach for my shoes which I have told her not to do but she insists on doing anyway.
At first, it seemed like such a difficult thing to do to let her hurt herself. I had to fight the urge to run quickly by her aside and make a fuss over her getting hurt until I came to realize that in fact, she does not feel any pain most of the time. She has hit herself sometimes when I think oh my, wait for the scream and … nothing! When she moans, I just talk her out of it without picking her up and get on with what am doing. She then keeps quiet and gets on with what she was doing even repeating what hurt her in the first place.
I have nine rules that I try to follow in teaching my children how to spell the word responsibility and engrave it in their characters.
The first is to let them free, within safe limits, to learn from their surroundings and others around them. Possessiveness has to be thrown out the window.
The second rule is NEVER to give a child ANYTHING s/he wants. If you break this rule, be ready for your home to turn into a hell on earth like the homes of those parents who appear on Nanny 911. I believe that that show is not for real. Those parents and their kids must be pretending. I cannot see it any other way. For me, my home is mine, not my children’s. They live by my rules, not me by their rules, NEVER.
The third rule is to keep a close eye on what your children are doing. Do not assume anything. I have discovered that I cannot afford to relax on any rules and assume that they have been understood and are being followed. Raising children is like a game of shake that lasts for years with me on the line and them trying to get past me to see what I will do. Tiring does not even begin to describe it.
The fourth rule is to keep presents only for special occasions and not for all the time. If they need something, buy it because they need it. Like a pencil, rubber, sharpener, bigger clothes and shoes as they grow and make sure they know why you are buying the stuff. If you buy presents for your kids all the time without expecting them to earn the presents, the children will never learn that life only rewards good behaviour and the difference between right and wrong, that is, following your rules and not following your rules. Your ability to provide your children with treats and presents should be recognized as a powerful tool in controlling your children’s behaviour and teaching them not to take you for granted.
The fifth rule is to make sure that your children have an irrational fear of one parent who adopts a no nonsense attitude around them. That’s definitely not me; it is my husband. Thank God am not a single parent who has to juggle the two roles of (1) being open to free discussions about what happened in school and who did what and being asked difficult questions and (2) being feared. For some reason, my children have an irrational fear of my husband. It is not that he does not play around and joke with them. I think it is because they know that he expects perfection from them. This is communicated just by talking down to them and making them realize they are far far far far away from ever being on the same level as him. You must teach your children to respect your position and understand the boundaries.
The sixth rule is to speak to your children in simple language that they can understand. Don’t tell them to take responsibility for their lives or to go clean their rooms. You have to tell them specifically what it is they are supposed to do. Show them where they have gone wrong and what they ought to have done. Walk into their rooms with them and point out what needs to be done. You need a lot of patience because you might find yourself repeating the same thing over and over again for months on end until one day some miracle happens and they start doing the things you have been singing about automatically.
The seventh rule is to assign your children work in the house. As they grow, you need to let them help out with housework. That way, they learn not to take the comforts of your home and your house-helps for granted. Even if they do it badly at first and you have to re-do it, they will never learn if you do not let them try.
The eighth rule is to ALWAYS remember that your children will grow and mature into adults whether you like it or not and in a few years time, you will be kissing them goodbye and sending them out into the big bad world to fend for themselves. Equip them well so that when that day comes, you have nothing to fear. Your child will not wake up the next morning after his/her 18th birthday and suddenly turn into a responsible young person. NO! You must start teaching them responsibility at an early age by instilling good habits.
The ninth and most important rule is to set a good example for your children. The apple does not fall far from the tree. Do not be a hypocrite of a parent setting rules for your children that you cannot justify. If you expect your children to excel in their lives, you better be excelling in yours as well!!
By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta
Chapter 52
When is the right time to find your passion, discover your spiritual identity and purpose in life and start living the life you were born to live?
I wish I had known and discovered all these things when I was much younger. I might have achieved a lot more than I have now, but who knows? Well, coulda, woulda, shoulda are completely out of my life. Which brings me to considering how to ensure that my children start living the lives they were born to live at the earliest possible time. I am writing this book in the hope that I will see quite a few familiar faces when I get to the Land of Knowledge and Understanding. As far as my children are concerned, I am not taking any chance of them not getting there!
What kind of upbringing does a child need in order to excel in life? If my niece was in day school and her first priority when she gets home from school is to ensure that the lipstick she is wearing matches her outfit as she skips daintly out to the car where the driver is waiting to take her to village market to hang out with her friends, could she ever possibly learn how to spell the word ‘RESPONSIBILITY’? I highly doubt it and am not willing to experiment on that.
For me, the one thing that will ensure that my children excel in life, that is, make the best of themselves, is learning how to spell the word RESPONSIBILITY and engrave it into their characters. That’s all. But let me tell you this, from my experience, teaching a child to be responsible is one of the world’s most difficult tasks ever and mind you, it starts from babyhood.
My daughter is about to turn a year old and I can already see the bratishness beginning to manifest itself when she moans about nothing and refuses to listen when asked to stop doing something. I am already teaching her to take responsibility for her actions by keeping my distance from her and letting her hit her head on the floor as she tries to stand, watching carefully as she presses her fingers on a drawer which I have told her not to open and then letting her know that its all her fault when she starts moaning, giving her a slap on her back if she tries to drink the bath water or reach for my shoes which I have told her not to do but she insists on doing anyway.
At first, it seemed like such a difficult thing to do to let her hurt herself. I had to fight the urge to run quickly by her aside and make a fuss over her getting hurt until I came to realize that in fact, she does not feel any pain most of the time. She has hit herself sometimes when I think oh my, wait for the scream and … nothing! When she moans, I just talk her out of it without picking her up and get on with what am doing. She then keeps quiet and gets on with what she was doing even repeating what hurt her in the first place.
I have nine rules that I try to follow in teaching my children how to spell the word responsibility and engrave it in their characters.
The first is to let them free, within safe limits, to learn from their surroundings and others around them. Possessiveness has to be thrown out the window.
The second rule is NEVER to give a child ANYTHING s/he wants. If you break this rule, be ready for your home to turn into a hell on earth like the homes of those parents who appear on Nanny 911. I believe that that show is not for real. Those parents and their kids must be pretending. I cannot see it any other way. For me, my home is mine, not my children’s. They live by my rules, not me by their rules, NEVER.
The third rule is to keep a close eye on what your children are doing. Do not assume anything. I have discovered that I cannot afford to relax on any rules and assume that they have been understood and are being followed. Raising children is like a game of shake that lasts for years with me on the line and them trying to get past me to see what I will do. Tiring does not even begin to describe it.
The fourth rule is to keep presents only for special occasions and not for all the time. If they need something, buy it because they need it. Like a pencil, rubber, sharpener, bigger clothes and shoes as they grow and make sure they know why you are buying the stuff. If you buy presents for your kids all the time without expecting them to earn the presents, the children will never learn that life only rewards good behaviour and the difference between right and wrong, that is, following your rules and not following your rules. Your ability to provide your children with treats and presents should be recognized as a powerful tool in controlling your children’s behaviour and teaching them not to take you for granted.
The fifth rule is to make sure that your children have an irrational fear of one parent who adopts a no nonsense attitude around them. That’s definitely not me; it is my husband. Thank God am not a single parent who has to juggle the two roles of (1) being open to free discussions about what happened in school and who did what and being asked difficult questions and (2) being feared. For some reason, my children have an irrational fear of my husband. It is not that he does not play around and joke with them. I think it is because they know that he expects perfection from them. This is communicated just by talking down to them and making them realize they are far far far far away from ever being on the same level as him. You must teach your children to respect your position and understand the boundaries.
The sixth rule is to speak to your children in simple language that they can understand. Don’t tell them to take responsibility for their lives or to go clean their rooms. You have to tell them specifically what it is they are supposed to do. Show them where they have gone wrong and what they ought to have done. Walk into their rooms with them and point out what needs to be done. You need a lot of patience because you might find yourself repeating the same thing over and over again for months on end until one day some miracle happens and they start doing the things you have been singing about automatically.
The seventh rule is to assign your children work in the house. As they grow, you need to let them help out with housework. That way, they learn not to take the comforts of your home and your house-helps for granted. Even if they do it badly at first and you have to re-do it, they will never learn if you do not let them try.
The eighth rule is to ALWAYS remember that your children will grow and mature into adults whether you like it or not and in a few years time, you will be kissing them goodbye and sending them out into the big bad world to fend for themselves. Equip them well so that when that day comes, you have nothing to fear. Your child will not wake up the next morning after his/her 18th birthday and suddenly turn into a responsible young person. NO! You must start teaching them responsibility at an early age by instilling good habits.
The ninth and most important rule is to set a good example for your children. The apple does not fall far from the tree. Do not be a hypocrite of a parent setting rules for your children that you cannot justify. If you expect your children to excel in their lives, you better be excelling in yours as well!!
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