Mind Boggling
By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta
Next on my list for assessment of her passions was my mum. This is the lady who raised me. I call her my mum because I was 2 or 3 years old when I met her and she is responsible for my being alive and well today.
I must say that I have never seen anyone do anything as passionate as what she did. I have seen pictures of her when she was young. She was a drop dead gorgeous light skinned, slim, long-haired lady. Even now, she is still a beautiful woman. She could have had any man she chose. She however chose my dad. At the time, my dad was a penniless divorcee with 3 kids under 10 years of age!! I cannot imagine what her mother told her when she went to her telling her about the man she had decided to marry. I think at that time my dad was a shop attendant.
She was a police officer when I met her and as soon as she decided to stay with my dad, he made sure she retired from service and became a secretary. I can’t imagine that she allowed my seemingly ‘nobody’ of a dad to dictate to her what career path she should follow. From what I remember, she tried very hard to break away from my dad but in the end, she decided to stay. She tells me that she did not know that my dad was married let alone having 3 little kids when she met him. He looked too young to have been there done that and got 3 t-shirts. He dropped the bomb shell on her after he was certain that she had fallen for him. What a cunning …… guy!!
She also tells me that I was the reason for her decision to stay because she was worried that my dad would not be able to take care of us and she fell in love with me. The other two kids were my older brothers. The eldest was rebellious and the second born was indifferent but I was just looking for someone to take care of me and I thought she was the one. I used to cry whenever she left and always asked my dad when she would be coming back. Apparently my dad in his shrewdness figured out that she had a soft spot for me and would use me as an excuse to convince her to come home and at least visit, if not stay, telling her how much I was always asking him to bring her or take me to her, and he had no idea what to tell me! Men!!
I have realized that we children do not appreciate that our parents were once young people who made the same stupid mistakes we are making now.
Only a very strong feeling, a passionate attraction for my dad, could have made my mum decide to stay with him and his baggage. Now that I have my own experience of raising children who are not mine, I can appreciate what kind of conflicting emotions my mum was probably experiencing with us. But my experience is still not as complete since the children I take care of are not my husband’s. Taking care of children who are not yours is a very challenging affair.
For starters, ignorant people will snigger and laugh at you thinking that you have taken in the children because you are unable to have any of your own. It is no laughing matter when you try for one of your own and it doesn’t happen for a long while, or perhaps never!
Others, who pretend to care about you, will tell you that it is not your responsibility and you should just concentrate on having your own children especially since you cannot tell the genetic make up of the other children and what kind of behaviour they are likely to challenge you with. In truth, as long as a child is related to you, when they grow up to be useless bums and probably criminals, whatever their problems will be, they will end up on your doorstep. So taking in the children has a selfish angle to it as well. I will take care of you now so that I don’t have to later. Of course it is easier when they are young. Even a child who is not related to you is a member of your society and if you can make a useful person out of any child, you will have contributed to making your world a better place.
The biggest challenge of all in raising children who are not yours is to justify your treatment of the children so that the children and people around you do not think you are being biased. This applies whether or not you have your own children. It is in fact easier when you have your own children because it allows for a somewhat real comparison to be made than when you do not have any and are judged based on imaginary sons and daughters of your own who you would be treating differently. It is impossible to argue with someone’s imagination.
The children themselves and others will be watching keenly for an opportunity to question any seemingly biased treatment. The point that these people miss is that no-one can possibly treat children who have come from different places the same way. What one has to ask is whether, considering that the child did not grow up with you as a baby, if that child was still yours, would you not treat them the way you are treating this child? If my niece and my nephew were my children taken away from me at a young age and reunited with me at the ages I met them, I do not think I would be treating them any differently. Comparing my treatment of them with an imaginary daughter and son of my own at the same age is very unfair.
In order to protect myself from any of these challenges which can cause severe frustration, I do not bother myself with where the children came from and when. I deal with the here and now and treat them like I would someone who I had to share my life with like a younger sister or brother. There is no love between you and the children when you first meet, neither of you know each other. So the first step is to get to know each other as friends and work from there. Potential friends are everywhere and they can be found in little people looking for someone to take care of them.
I can say that adopting a child is the greatest act of selfless giving I know. And am grateful to my mum for having done it for me and my brothers. I know that she did the best job she could and in actual fact, she succeeded in sealing the cracks of our broken family and making us feel completely at home. She was no different from the noisy, champion whooping mothers of many of my school mates and we all turned out well.
I cannot tell what kind of person I could have been if she had not been there for me, but am glad that I am who I am today. She played, and is still playing, a big role in ensuring it. I respect her greatly for that.
It is very obvious that in deciding to stay with my dad, my mum never bothered to think about money. Passion was all she needed and look where it got her.
By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta
Next on my list for assessment of her passions was my mum. This is the lady who raised me. I call her my mum because I was 2 or 3 years old when I met her and she is responsible for my being alive and well today.
I must say that I have never seen anyone do anything as passionate as what she did. I have seen pictures of her when she was young. She was a drop dead gorgeous light skinned, slim, long-haired lady. Even now, she is still a beautiful woman. She could have had any man she chose. She however chose my dad. At the time, my dad was a penniless divorcee with 3 kids under 10 years of age!! I cannot imagine what her mother told her when she went to her telling her about the man she had decided to marry. I think at that time my dad was a shop attendant.
She was a police officer when I met her and as soon as she decided to stay with my dad, he made sure she retired from service and became a secretary. I can’t imagine that she allowed my seemingly ‘nobody’ of a dad to dictate to her what career path she should follow. From what I remember, she tried very hard to break away from my dad but in the end, she decided to stay. She tells me that she did not know that my dad was married let alone having 3 little kids when she met him. He looked too young to have been there done that and got 3 t-shirts. He dropped the bomb shell on her after he was certain that she had fallen for him. What a cunning …… guy!!
She also tells me that I was the reason for her decision to stay because she was worried that my dad would not be able to take care of us and she fell in love with me. The other two kids were my older brothers. The eldest was rebellious and the second born was indifferent but I was just looking for someone to take care of me and I thought she was the one. I used to cry whenever she left and always asked my dad when she would be coming back. Apparently my dad in his shrewdness figured out that she had a soft spot for me and would use me as an excuse to convince her to come home and at least visit, if not stay, telling her how much I was always asking him to bring her or take me to her, and he had no idea what to tell me! Men!!
I have realized that we children do not appreciate that our parents were once young people who made the same stupid mistakes we are making now.
Only a very strong feeling, a passionate attraction for my dad, could have made my mum decide to stay with him and his baggage. Now that I have my own experience of raising children who are not mine, I can appreciate what kind of conflicting emotions my mum was probably experiencing with us. But my experience is still not as complete since the children I take care of are not my husband’s. Taking care of children who are not yours is a very challenging affair.
For starters, ignorant people will snigger and laugh at you thinking that you have taken in the children because you are unable to have any of your own. It is no laughing matter when you try for one of your own and it doesn’t happen for a long while, or perhaps never!
Others, who pretend to care about you, will tell you that it is not your responsibility and you should just concentrate on having your own children especially since you cannot tell the genetic make up of the other children and what kind of behaviour they are likely to challenge you with. In truth, as long as a child is related to you, when they grow up to be useless bums and probably criminals, whatever their problems will be, they will end up on your doorstep. So taking in the children has a selfish angle to it as well. I will take care of you now so that I don’t have to later. Of course it is easier when they are young. Even a child who is not related to you is a member of your society and if you can make a useful person out of any child, you will have contributed to making your world a better place.
The biggest challenge of all in raising children who are not yours is to justify your treatment of the children so that the children and people around you do not think you are being biased. This applies whether or not you have your own children. It is in fact easier when you have your own children because it allows for a somewhat real comparison to be made than when you do not have any and are judged based on imaginary sons and daughters of your own who you would be treating differently. It is impossible to argue with someone’s imagination.
The children themselves and others will be watching keenly for an opportunity to question any seemingly biased treatment. The point that these people miss is that no-one can possibly treat children who have come from different places the same way. What one has to ask is whether, considering that the child did not grow up with you as a baby, if that child was still yours, would you not treat them the way you are treating this child? If my niece and my nephew were my children taken away from me at a young age and reunited with me at the ages I met them, I do not think I would be treating them any differently. Comparing my treatment of them with an imaginary daughter and son of my own at the same age is very unfair.
In order to protect myself from any of these challenges which can cause severe frustration, I do not bother myself with where the children came from and when. I deal with the here and now and treat them like I would someone who I had to share my life with like a younger sister or brother. There is no love between you and the children when you first meet, neither of you know each other. So the first step is to get to know each other as friends and work from there. Potential friends are everywhere and they can be found in little people looking for someone to take care of them.
I can say that adopting a child is the greatest act of selfless giving I know. And am grateful to my mum for having done it for me and my brothers. I know that she did the best job she could and in actual fact, she succeeded in sealing the cracks of our broken family and making us feel completely at home. She was no different from the noisy, champion whooping mothers of many of my school mates and we all turned out well.
I cannot tell what kind of person I could have been if she had not been there for me, but am glad that I am who I am today. She played, and is still playing, a big role in ensuring it. I respect her greatly for that.
It is very obvious that in deciding to stay with my dad, my mum never bothered to think about money. Passion was all she needed and look where it got her.
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