Chapter 60

Mind Boggling
By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 60

How important is sex to you? Think about it. Do you know the difference between good sex and bad sex? These are questions I asked myself the other day when I was thinking about sex.

The difference between good sex and bad sex has nothing to do with what you feel when having the sex. It has everything to do with what you feel AFTER you have had the sex!

Good sex leaves you without any question that the decision to have the sex was a good one.

Bad sex leaves you with very many questions about whether the decision to have the sex was a good one and the answers to those questions tell you that it was a bad decision.

I am an advocate for good sex. I will not have sex unless I am sure that the decision to have it is a good one. These are my rules on having good sex.

1. NEVER FORGET that SEX CAN KILL!! Sex with a stranger or the wrong partner can never be good sex. It may feel good when doing it but what matters is how you feel afterwards.

2. Although sex can kill, it can also GIVE LIFE. Unwanted pregnancies are the result of bad sex.

3. Good sex requires you to THINK DEEPLY about what you are doing BEFORE you do it, not after! Deciding whether or not to have sex is not a gambling game. Irresponsibility must never feature when you are thinking of engaging in an activity that can kill and/or give life.

4. Sex is not like hunger or thirst. Hunger and thirst should be satisfied on a daily basis. Satisfying hunger and thirst will keep you alive and not satisfying them will kill you. The need for sex does not have to be satisfied on a daily basis and more importantly, not having sex, CANNOT KILL YOU AND CANNOT GIVE LIFE.

5. Even with the right partner, the chances of having good sex are directly proportional to the time you have to WAIT for it. The longer you wait, the more likely you are to have good sex. If there is no chance of having sex, then waiting does not come into the equation.

6. BAD SEX is DANGEROUS. After having bad sex, the shame of it will make you do it again as you try to avoid thinking about the dire consequences of the bad decision you made and try to justify to yourself that what you did was not bad. Promiscuity is a vicious cycle. Avoid it as a matter of life and death.

7. Good sex will only happen with the RIGHT PARTNER i.e. someone with whom you feel safe and secure. Safe from an untimely death and secure in the possibility that life may result from having sex with that person.

8. GOOD SEX is NOT DANGEROUS. After having good sex, you cannot regret it, the goodness of it makes you a better person and it is good for your health.

9. The effect of sex, good or bad, is CONTAGIOUS. Good sex makes you an attractive person while bad sex can turn you and those you are having it with, into very repulsive creatures.

10. An advocate for good sex is a BROTHER’S KEEPER. S/he will take reasonable care for the safety and security of his/her partner.

11. Good sex can occur in a wide VARIETY of ways. There is as much variety of good sex to satisfy your appetite as there is a variety of foods. You need not have sex before marriage to determine whether you are choosing the right partner. And once you have found the right partner, take the time to experiment and find out which variety of ways are good for you.

12. Good sex requires GOOD TIMING. Good timing is when you and your partner are both in the mood for sex. Do not insist on sex if your partner is not in the mood for it.

13. Good sex is a matter of GIVE AND TAKE. If your partner is not enjoying the sex, neither will you.

14. Good sex results in faithfulness. If you give good sex, your partner won’t need to go anywhere else to get it. If you get good sex, neither will you.

AND FINALLY

15. Good sex is FOOD FOR THE SOUL. It is a blessed thing. It gives you a taste of what it’s like to be in Heaven, united with God. It cannot be achieved alone or in a group. Electrical currents must flow when having good sex and electricity requires a positive and negative charge. Two positives and two negatives will get you nowhere.

Chapter 59

Mind Boggling
By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 59

Boarding or day school? Well, if life is about pleasing God by pursuing your passions and learning to let go of the things of this world, including your loved ones, in preparation for the journey back home, boarding school seems to be the best choice for my children not only for their sake but for mine as well!

The sooner my children can learn to walk this journey of life by themselves, the better for them. Keeping them next to me, will not help them build the independence they need to develop the ability to respond sensibly to life’s challenges i.e. RESPONSIBILITY! They have to live the life they were born to live if they are going to make it to the Land of Knowledge and Understanding. That will not happen if I am constantly around them reminding them of my rules. I need to give them the space to learn how those rules will help them in their lives. Many times when I come home and find my nephew doing what he should not be doing, he looks at me like: “Say it!” And am sure that as I say, “Have you showered? Have you eaten? Have you done your homework?”, he repeats it in his head with me as he walks off to go do what he is supposed to do.

If I had been in boarding school and away from my dad, I might not have had the attachment to him that I developed. The attachment denied me the chance to break away and learn to live my life as my own. As a parent, I can only try to do my best to set a good example for my children and earn their respect but I should not allow them to think of me as super human or superior to them such that they develop a need to be like me. This does not mean that those of my peers who went to boarding school are better at dealing with life’s problems than I am but if I compare myself to my husband, his boarding school experience gave him a sense of independence that took me a much longer time to develop. In fact, if I had never met him I think I would still be quite far behind.

The attachment to their parents or guardians that children develop can be a dangerous thing where the parent or guardian has his/her own unresolved issues like the unforgiving characteristic that I copied from my dad. All of us as children have that need to be the perfect daughter or son in our father’s eyes. What if my dad was absent or he was an alcoholic, or a criminal, or a molester, or a wife beater! What would have happened to my need to be the perfect daughter in his eyes?

I would probably have resented him to the point of hating him and wanting to disown him. That hate or resentment for him would reflect back on me because I would hate that I am part of him. I would then imagine the perfect daddy and substitute him for my real daddy. My life’s purpose would then be to try as much as possible to be the perfect child in my imaginary perfect father’s eyes while at the same time try as much as possible NOT to ever be like my real dad. Out of the frustration of not really knowing this imaginary dad of mine, I would probably end up in many broken relationships searching for him.

Or, if he is a protective parent and I live with him and see him everyday, I would copy him because I don’t know any better.

If children are brought up to compare themselves with their parents, they more often than not end up making it their life’s purpose to prove a point to their parents like I did. With the constant reminders of where my dad had come from and how hard he had worked, I made it my life’s purpose to prove to him that I did have some of his blood flowing in my veins!

There can be no RESPONSIBILITY without INDEPENDENCE. In other words, the ability to respond sensibly to life’s challenges can only be cultivated in an environment where the individual is compelled to depend on himself/herself. Only then can those challenges impart the valuable lessons that they carry with them. I don’t think that my protectiveness will allow me to raise my children with the independence they so badly need. Being at home is not challenging for them at all. They don’t have to depend on themselves for anything and they know it!

It is not that our mothers are of no consequence in our lives. Mothers are the ones who give us life and raise us. They prepare us for the battle while our fathers direct us on the strategy for the battle ahead. Pursuing your life’s purpose on an empty stomach without having taken a shower will not be possible. As children, we look to our mothers to teach us the basics without which we can never realize our life’s purpose. When we feel that the ground we are treading on is shaky, we go back to our mothers for comfort and for the assurance that we are worthy. If our mother is not being the person she is meant to be in our lives, we lose our balance.

The inability of parents to respond sensibly to life’s challenges severely affects the development of children by sending the children on wild goose chases which make them attach themselves to the things of this world forgetting that death, ……… is only a heart beat away and life is all about dying a happy death with no regrets.

Irresponsibility is the inability to respond sensibly to life’s challenges, and is the real epidemic that is plaguing the world today. HIV is a byproduct of the attitude of irresponsibility that the world has adopted in its search for economic development. The world as we know it today is a world of Cains i.e. those who leave their brothers for dead. We are not our brothers’ keepers.

If this is the world I will be sending my children out to when they reach the age of majority, I must make every effort to live the life I was born to live and hopefully keep the timing of my death till after my children have developed the responsibility and independence necessary to direct them towards their life’s purposes. Since death is only a heart beat away, the sooner they develop these qualities, the better for them as well as for me.

Having this in mind, as soon as my children begin to develop an attitude of indifference to my rules, something that is inevitable in an environment of dependence, it is my duty to send them to a suitable boarding school.

Chapter 58

Mind Boggling
By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 58

After a heart breaking ritual of remembrance and letting go over my dad’s death, I heaved a sigh of relief, wiped away the tears and went back for counseling.

Njeri: Where were we?

Counsellor: I was asking you about your fear of being the perfect daughter in God’s eyes and I told you that you will only find your missing something in Heaven.

Njeri: And to get to Heaven, I need to make myself the perfect daughter in God’s eyes, don’t I?

Counsellor: Yes.

Njeri: Is it enough if I at least try to make myself the perfect daughter in God’s eyes or do I have to be it? I cannot see how a human being can possibly be the perfect daughter in God’s eyes.

Counsellor: Well, what is perfection to you?

Njeri: Flawless, sinless, super human!

Counsellor: Perfection in God’s eyes means achieving your life’s purpose. No-one is flawless, sinless or super human. We all have our faults, even the men and women of God written about in the Holy Book were flawed, some in damning ways. All God asks of you is that you achieve your life’s purpose and you will be the perfect daughter in His eyes. There is nothing to fear in that because God has already equipped you with whatever you need to achieve your life’s purpose.

Njeri: I want my life’s purpose now to be about pleasing God and not my dad and my success formula to be to follow my passion (Jesus) believing that as a child of God, success is inevitable, am I on the right path?

Counsellor: You will know when you are on the right path if you experience a feeling of enlightenment every step of the way. Do you feel enlightened?

Njeri: Yes.

Counsellor: There you are.

Njeri: About this fear of the unknown, I must admit that I am afraid of the discoveries I am making about myself. They are unsettling because they are so unexpected. Before I started this quest for my missing ‘something’, I was so sure about myself!

Counsellor: Are you happier now with your life than before you started? That’s all that counts.

Njeri: I don’t know if I can call it happiness. I feel that the discoveries are good but the burden of responsibility for my life that they are placing on me is heavy! It’s so much easier to just leave everything to God. If someone has a car accident, you comfort yourself by saying it was God’s will yet it now seems to me that perhaps its more to do with that person than God! Its beginning to appear to me that apart from being responsible for the kind of life am living, I might also be responsible for the timing of my death. It seems that the kind of person that I am affects the timing of events and opportunities in my life including the time I die and how!

Counsellor: Were you afraid of anything before you started the quest?

Njeri: Not really. I was just curious about my life in the beginning. I thought this quest would be fun but now it has turned out to be a very serious thing! I am still wondering about what I would do if given the choice to go to Heaven right now and leave EVERYTHING behind. I honestly would not know what to do!

Counsellor: Well then, you better think real hard about that because death is an uninvited guest and can come calling any time. When death comes calling, you better be sure that you will be ready to let go of ALL the things of this world including your loved ones, if you want to see God.

Njeri: Wow, until now, I did not realize that letting go of the things of this world, the ones that distract you from your life’s purpose means also letting go of the attachment you have to your loved ones. No wonder it is said that so few of us will make it to Heaven. In reality, we all die alone. Too bad we do not live alone as well. I highly doubt that I am one of the chosen few who will make it to Heaven.

Counsellor: Well girl, that is your choice to make! The free choice that God gave you when He created you. The one He was thinking about on the day of rest. He gave you the power to rule over your life. He sent you passion to help you along the way. You know what you have to do to make it back home. Do you want to go back home or stay here?

Njeri: Of course I would like to go back home but I don’t know if I can make it! Its not even like climbing a mountain, the road is invisible to start with, the challenges are unpredictable, they get harder each time you graduate to a higher level of enlightenment…..! It reminds me of child birth! In order to avoid giving up on this quest which has become a monster, I better touch base with real life for a while. And I don’t think I need another counseling session outside of myself!

Chapter 57

Mind Boggling
By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 57

Counsellor: Njeri, you cannot be alone in life. You need to belong somewhere. And writing this book to communicate with others around you and let them know about your life’s experience should be sufficient proof of that.

Njeri: I suppose so.

Counsellor: Why are you writing this book?

Njeri: I do not believe that this book has become all this stuff that it has become. Honestly, I meant to write a column for my rotary club magazine. But once my fingers hit the keyboard and started on chapter one, I found myself writing and writing and writing and then I thought that I had to tell someone about what I was writing because the revelations I was experiencing were mind boggling!

Counsellor: You wanted to share your experience with others. Why not just keep them to yourself?

Njeri: Because I did not think that the revelations were coming from me. I actually felt like I was being inspired to write for a purpose. I also read the book every now and then as I write and I am amazed by how interesting it is even to me.

Counsellor: Have you thought about what the purpose of your writing really is to you?

Njeri: I think it is to share my gift of simplifying the complications of life. That’s all. I do not expect anyone to believe in what am writing. It is just my opinion and some of it is intended purely to entertain and challenge. Its is also something that wont die with me!

Counsellor: So you do not want to be the perfect daughter in God’s eyes? I thought you wanted to be the most invincible of the invincibles in Heaven?

Njeri: Ha! You want to trap me!

Counsellor: No, I want to free you.

Njeri: From what?

Counsellor: Your fear of the unknown.

Njeri: Mmm?

Counsellor: Are you afraid of being the perfect daughter in God’s eyes?

Njeri: No, I would love that. My problem is what it takes to become that!

Counsellor: Do you know what it takes to become the perfect daughter in God’s eyes? You do not seem ready to even consider that question. You are resisting it even before you think about it. Like the forgiveness issue.

Njeri: No. Am not resisting it. I just don’t think that I need to be the perfect daughter in God’s eyes. Why can’t I just be me and try to make the best of me? God’s standards are too high for me. I am just a human being!

Counsellor: Do you want to go to Heaven?

Njeri: Of course. Who doesn’t?!

Counsellor: So if God appeared to you here and now and stretched out His hand for you to take and go to Heaven, would you go?

Njeri: Definitely, without a second thought.

Counsellor: Be honest Njeri, you would leave your daughter and your husband and your law firm and your brothers and your sisters, and your nieces, and your nephews and your mother and your mum just go to Heaven without a second thought?

Njeri (laughing): I think you are trying to trap me. You know that material things mean nothing to me, but the people in my life are priceless!

Counsellor: No, I want to free you.

Njeri: From what?

Counsellor: From the things of this world that you are attached to. You do not realize that going to Heaven is the only way you will find happiness, satisfaction and contentment. It is the place where you will find your ‘missing something’. The one that started you writing. The love you feel for the people here on earth is nothing compared to what you will feel in Heaven. And, by getting yourself to Heaven, you will free your loved ones who are connected to you.

Njeri: I don’t know what to say.

Counsellor: Lets take a break.

Chapter 56

Mind Boggling
By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 56

After an energizing sweat session in my gym room, a long shower, a peep at my sleeping angel and two days of more thinking, I went back for counseling.

Counsellor: Njeri, do you now realize how dangerous it is not to believe in God?

Njeri: Dangerous? Its life threatening! So all this time, my life was based on pleasing my dad when it should have been based on pleasing God!

Counsellor: Exactly. God is immortal so with Him as your Father, being the perfect
daughter in His eyes is an achievable goal.

Njeri: What? Are you crazy? Do you know what being the perfect daughter in God’s
eyes would require? Even at minimum thinking level, I can already tell what HARD WORK that is! God, is a very difficult Being to comprehend. He is invisible, He does not talk out loud, He does not have a shoulder to be cried on, He cannot hug you, He does not have a cell phone, I mean, how does one relate to Him without doubting that their believing in Him is itself an illusion?

Counsellor: Well, when your loved ones are not there next to you, like when your husband travels upcountry and leaves you behind, do you find it difficult to relate to him?

Njeri: No. I know where he is and am going to see him soon when he comes back home. We also talk on the phone daily.

Counsellor: You assume that your husband will come back. But his coming back is dependent on a lot of things remaining constant, things beyond your control. There are many loved ones who leave home one morning and never come back. You have already admitted to living your life under the guidance of somebody who died more than a decade ago.

Njeri: What are you getting at?

Counsellor: My point is this. The presence of God in your life and His influence in your life does not require Him to be alive in this world like you are. Just like your dad’s influence in your life, even in death did not require him to be alive in this world.

Njeri: Ok, I get that point but you see, there was a time that my dad was alive and here with me and I have memories of him. Its not like that with God?!

Counsellor: That is what you think but do you know where you were before you were born?

Njeri: You mean that perhaps I was with God before I was born and being alive is a temporary separation from him just like when my husband travels upcountry?

Counsellor: Exactly. Who created you? God!

Njeri: But God stayed at home and am the one who left huh?

Counsellor: Yes.

Njeri: And where the hell is this I came to?

Counsellor: You came to the school of life to learn about who you are and your purpose as a child of God.

Njeri: I can see what you are saying about God and I suppose it is true. The fact that my death is an inevitable certainty should communicate an important point to me. That this world is not my home.

Counsellor: Yes.

Njeri: Now lets go back to this being a perfect daughter in God’s eyes. Why cant I just say that now that I have accepted my dad’s death, I do not need to be anyone’s perfect daughter?

Counsellor: Wait a minute. Are you sure that you have accepted your dad’s death?

Njeri: Well, after our last session, I did a lot of thinking about what accepting his death entails. It means that I have to accept that my dad died with some serious unresolved issues which I cannot do much about now. I can only hope that he will get a second chance. On my part, what he thought of me at his death should not concern me. I should only be concerned with what I think of myself. My life is my own and as long as I am happy with myself and ready to face the consequences of my thoughtless or thoughtful actions, I do not need anyone’s approval. So I have accepted his death. And am moving on. I just don’t know where to as far as my need to be the perfect daughter in my father’s eyes is concerned.

Counsellor: Remember this Njeri, as a human being, you have an inherent need to be something. You need to have a life’s purpose. And most of all, you need to feel accepted. Like you belong somewhere and to someone. Even the way of the world is clear on this.

Njeri: You mean that loving myself and being happy with myself is not sufficient?

Counsellor: Think about it. Are your parents, your siblings, your husband and children, your friends, your employees, your clients, all the people in your life, important to you? Ask yourself this. Why are you writing this book?

Njeri: Oh!

Chapter 55

Mind Boggling
By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 55

Before my dad died, he feared that his family would end up like those he had seen left fighting for their father’s wealth. He feared that my legal training would enlighten me as to what my rights were. He knew about me visiting my mother. After I came back from England, I used to go visit my mother every now and then and I would say where I was going. I thought that by being open about what I was doing, I would avoid arousing suspicion about my motives. And, it would give my parents an opportunity to address the issue if they felt like it.

Well, nothing was said about my visits until the eve of my parents’ departure on a trip to England in search of treatment for my dad’s condition. On that day, my dad told me that he had been told about a conspiracy by me to take all his wealth from my mum and give it to my mother. He was so convinced about the truth of the conspiracy that nothing I said made him see that it cannot be true. I realized that perhaps I should have kept my visits to my mother a secret! But how could he expect me to just forget about my mother?!

When my parents left for England leaving me in charge of the household and the family business, my dad was not talking to me. He did not even say goodbye. He died 6 months later. We talked on the phone a few times and I think eventually he came to realize that there was no such conspiracy or he decided that there was nothing he could do about it if it existed. He had done enough by addressing it with me. When we talked on the phone he behaved as if nothing had happened and I could not possibly bring it up knowing that he was already suffering so much.

He died when my sisters and I were on a plane going to England to see him. I had been talking to my brother and my aunt and my mum who were with him and it seemed that death had become a possibility to them. So I decided that we would all go see him probably for the last time. We never made it.

By the time we got to the hospital, he was lying in bed, still warm, but clearly dead. After trying to wake him up for a while, I realized that he was gone but I did not accept it. I decided to believe that he was around somewhere maybe on one of his business trips. He had to come back and talk to me so I could tell him that I had no interest in his wealth and I would never do anything to hurt my mum or my sisters. I wanted him to know that I did not blame him for what happened to my mother, but I had to help her for my own reasons.

If I accepted that he was dead, then there is a real possibility that he died thinking that I was the bad person he said I was! Then what would happen to my wanting to be the perfect daughter in my father’s eyes? His death would kill my purpose for living!

Counsellor: Well, I don’t know what to say!

Njeri: Lets take a break.

Chapter 54

Mind Boggling
By Njeri Mucheru-Oyatta

Chapter 54

Had I accepted the death of my dad? Well, that was a complicated question for me. It required me to examine my relationship with my dad. The thought of performing such an examination was daunting. I decided that I needed some counseling if I was to deal with this issue.

Dealing with my relationship with my mum and my mother was nowhere close to dealing with my relationship with my dad because it seemed to me that my dad was the centre of everything in my life. My awareness of his faults made me fear that I may have replicated his mistakes in my own life in my effort to please him. The fact that I was an unforgiving person probably came from the fact that I thought that he never forgave my mother for whatever terrible thing it was that she had done to deserve the treatment he gave her. I probably justified my hardheartedness by comparing myself with him.

I had never needed counseling before. At least I did not think that I needed it. But now, I considered consulting an expert to help me address my relationship with my dad, how it has affected me in the decisions I have been making in my life and why I have not accepted his death. I could not wait to arrange an appointment with a counselor to address these issues because as each day passes by, I may be making mistakes that I am not aware of because of my faulty thinking. I decided to carry out a mock counseling session with myself and see how far I could get. After all, no-one knows my problems better than me. The session went something like this:-

Counsellor: The best way to deal with your problem Njeri is to set out the facts about your relationship with your dad that you feel concerned about. Can you do that?

Njeri: Aaah, what does that mean?

Counsellor: Well can you put your feelings about your problem into a series of simple questions?

Njeri: Ok, first question: what do I think happened between my mother and my dad that caused their separation?

Counsellor: That’s a good one. But, are you able to answer it factually? You must be careful not to imagine things because your imaginations are what could have brought you here in the first place.

Njeri: Well, I was only 2 or 3 years old when they separated so I do not know for a fact what happened.

Counsellor: Do you want to know? And why?

Njeri: Well, considering where we are today, what happened between them is irrelevant because it cannot be resolved. My dad is already dead. Its probably not even my concern what happened between them.

Counsellor: Good, so what happened between them is not an issue for you. But I think that the fact that they separated, for whatever reason, must have affected your thinking in some way. Would you agree?

Njeri: Oh yes, definitely.

Counsellor: Do you know how?

Njeri: Yes I do. In many ways some of which are good and some of which are bad. I am concerned about the bad ones.

Counsellor: And what are the bad ones?

Njeri: Why did my dad not talk to me about her, my mother that is, and tell me what happened? He made a feeble attempt once by telling me that staying with her would have meant hardship for us all. I did not understand what that meant. If he felt that he was justified in what he did, why could he not tell it to me (and my brothers) in clear terms? Perhaps he was afraid of us asking him to help her, something he could not bring himself to do. Or perhaps he could not do it because he feared my mum? I think that my dad’s refusal to address the issue with me was wrong in that it made me think that what he did was right since she must have wronged him. In the same way, I refused to forgive those who wronged me.

Counsellor: Now that you realize that, what will you do?

Njeri: Well fortunately, I have already dealt with my unforgiving heart. But now, I am glad that I have also addressed its source and let go of it.

Counsellor: Anything else?

Njeri: Yes. I have realized that I need to address my own issues with myself first and come to terms with the choices I make in life because my inability to face my demons will no doubt affect my children. I need to be open with my children and address any issues I think may be affecting them without fearing my own unresolved issues.

Counsellor: Why is it so important to you to please your dad?

Njeri: I really do not know. I think that children need someone to look up to. Children need guidance. How does a child find a purpose in his/her life? It can only be by attaching himself or herself to someone s/he thinks s/he would want to be like when s/he grows up. The first choice is obviously our parents or guardians. For me, it was my dad. I thought that my dad was superman. He could never fail. So if I made choices which pleased him, I could be like him.

Counsellor: But what about his faults. How did you address those?

Njeri: I was blind to them. I accepted them as part of who he was. That way, I could accept my own faults too. This was wrong of me because it blinded me to my own faults and prevented me from addressing them thinking that I was allowed to be faulty. Now I have to teach my children that it is not acceptable to be faulty. Only mistakes are acceptable but they must be corrected.

Counsellor: So what about his death? You know that he died a long time ago. Did you accept his death?

Njeri: Let me explain.